Never Give A Ninja Alcohol
by NaokoYouko
Summary: Figured I'd try my hand at something other than YYH fanfiction. Clearly, it's my first FFTA fic, so be nice. Disclaimer inside, and please review.


Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to anything in Final Fantasy Tactics: Advance, but my specific party is unique to my game, and the personalities I gave them are my own creations. Please don't copy them without my permission. Oh, and by the way, 'Clan Koumori' is _my_ name for _my_ clan. Just to clarify.

_In memory of Clementina, who died in Jagd Dorsa because I am a bloody idiot who didn't bring enough phoenix down._

Never Give A Ninja Alcohol

By

Naoko Youko

It was a typical day in Ivalice as a group of travelers were on their way back to Cadoan after yet another mission.

"That was too easy, huh, guys?" the Viera fencer Melora said with a smirk.

"Easy for you, kupo," chimed in Lorek, the party's moogle gunner. "You didn't even fight."

"So what!" Melora snapped, irritated.

"Easy, guys." Melora's twin sister, Clementina said in a slightly worried tone.

"Yeah, relax everyone. Cadoan can't be that much further." the blond-haired Marche said calmly.

"I'm afraid I must correct you. Cadoan is more than five miles away." Jeanne, the Viera sniper, spoke in her usual calm, emotionless tone. From the back of the group, the thief trio, Heath, Deisel, and Sabatini snickered at some smart remark made by one of the three. Meanwhile, leading the party, the ninja Hodges mumbled, "Idiot thieves…"

"Aww, don't be such a spoilsport, kupo!" Montblanc chirped in a cheerful tone, annoying the dark-eyed ninja further.

"Yeah, they're just being idiots as usual." Brish, the black mage said, although no one could see his face past the wide-brimmed hat and high-collared blue cloak he always wore.

"Hey, kupo, it's getting late." Lorek said, addressing Marche. "Shouldn't we camp somewhere for the night?"

"I don't know if that's safe, guys." Heath said quickly.  
"Yes, Heath's right. However, the Koringwood is much closer, and if I recall, our Clan Koumori controls that." Marche thought for a moment.

"Well, Jeanne, you're in charge of remembering who controls where, so I'll take your word for it."

"As usual." Sabatini remarked with a snicker.

Later…

Before long, the party had set up camp on the forest. Jeanne was lying in a tree, relaxing with her bow and arrows by her side. Lorek was polishing his Silver Cannon and making sure it was loaded for their next fight. Heath, Deisel, and Sabatini were sitting around the fire comparing the latest stuff they had stolen. Hodges was standing with his arms crossed and his eyes closed, leaning against a tree.

"Hey, guys!" Clementina called, "Anyone want to play a game?"

"Sure, why not?" was the general reply. Even the cold Jeanne jumped out of her tree and sat around the fire with the rest of the party.

"Come on, Hodges, it won't be that bad, kupo!" Montblanc said.

"Hn," the ninja replied, not moving an inch. Finally, Melora got up and pulled Hodges by the arm over to the campfire. "Hey," he cried out indignantly, "What're you doing-!"

"You're gonna come over here, you're gonna sit down, and you're gonna have fun, damn it!" Moments later, they were all gathered around the fire.

"Now," Clementina said, "this is a game Melora and I used to play back home."

"Yeah?" Marche sounded intrigued.

"Uh-huh. You see," As she spoke, she tossed everyone glass bottles, "the game's called 'Friendship Circle.' We all go around the circle confessing something about ourselves that none of the others know."

"Ludicrous." Hodges snapped. "I'll have no part of it."

"Which is why," Clementina cut in, "we have all this wine." Melora and Clementina glanced at the mischievous thief trio nearby. "Now, guys!" The three bandits jumped on a certain confused ninja and forced a bottle of wine down his throat as the others watched in shock.

"Did you…" Marche was way too surprised to speak.

"K-kupo…did you plan that?" Lorek finished, stunned.

"It was Jeanne's idea." Melora said, snickering. Every single person in the party turned to face the sniper. They could just barely make out a smirk past the Vieira's dark veil.

"Well, if I'm going to be forced to participate in such childish actions, so will he."

"Y-you didn't have to get him drunk, though!" Marche cried out in shock.

"Oh, come on, Marche." Brish said suddenly. "You have to admit, this is kinda funny." Marche looked over at the three laughing thieves, then over to the hiccupping ninja.

"Well…" A small laugh escaped his throat. "Yeah, I guess it is pretty funny." Montblanc sighed and shook his head.

"This is so un-kupo."

A few minutes later…

"So, about this game-"

"I'll start!" Lorek said excitedly.

"Alright," Melora said, "Go ahead."

"Well…" The little moogle thought for a moment. "I like guns!"

"We all guessed that one, Lorek."

"Sorry, Heath. How about this…Aside from my guns, my favorite thing in the world is my hat, kupo!" Lorek adjusted his oversized hat.

"Well…it is pretty nice, kupo."

"You're next, Montblanc."

"Alright…I-" Suddenly he was interrupted by a very inebriated Hodges.

"Yep, it's a niiiiiiiice hat, Lorek! It's a reeeeeeeeal nice hat!"

"Er…thanks?" The ninja stood up with the dumbest smile in the history of Ivalice plastered across his face.

"Hodges, what're you doing?" Marche asked, a little worried for his friend's safety.

"Ah'm gonna go find me s'more alcohol!" Everyone stared at the normally reserved Hodges babbling like a complete idiot. Then, he turned and started walking away.

"Hold it, kid." Jeanne got up and grabbed his arm to stop him.

"Whaddya want!"  
"You're hammered." the sniper said bluntly.

"Reeeeeeeeally?"

"Obviously, kupo." Montblanc said.

"I am not!"

"Yes, you are."

"No I'm not!"

"Guys…" Heath said.

"Got it!" Heath, Sabatini, and Deisel all jumped on Hodges again. Jeanne fired a few well-placed shots with her bow to pin the ninja (who was still laughing like a moron) to the ground by the loose clothes he always wore.

"Now, Montblanc," Melora said, "you were saying…?"

"I don't remember…Oh, wait, kupo! I was about to say I have a notoriously bad memory, kupo!"

"Right…" Marche said.

"Well, what d'you have, kupo?"

"Me?" the blond soldier asked. "I…um…well, I…" Brish suddenly broke out with:

"Hah! I knew it! He doesn't HAVE any secrets!" Everyone stared blankly at the black mage, who instantly seemed embarrassed. "Er…sorry."

Okay…Heath, what about you, kupo?" Lorek asked.

"Huh? Well, I…" The leader of the notorious trio seemed thoughtful. "I used to be your normal, everyday soldier until I was drawn to the alluring path of thievery!" a huge smirk crossed Heath's face. Sabatini and Deisel both laughed softly.

"Our 'illustrious leader' has such a way with words." Sabatini interjected. "I may not be as eloquent, but that doesn't mean I'm not smart! My secret is this: Once, I stole something from one of the judges."

"No way. Prove it." Melora said, skeptical.

"It's right here." Sabatini pulled out a single Chocobo feather.

"But that's just a normal-"

"Spiffy, kupo!" the very gullible Montblanc said. "Who's next?"

"The brainiac over there." Brish said, indicating…

…the empty spot where Hodges used to be!

"Where'd he go!" Deisel half yelled.

"I don't know, you and Heath were the ones sitting next to him!"

"Well, you're the one with the good eyes, Jeanne! How could you not have seen him?"

"Can we stop fighting and find him, kupo!" Lorek yelled in a squeaky voice.

"The short kid's right." Melora said. "We should find the idiot before he hurts himself."

"Or, more importantly, someone else." Melora said with the slightest smirk.

Later…

The members of Clan Koumori searched from one end of Koringwood to the next until they finally found Hodges speaking in slurred tones to a few Vieras: two archers and a white mage.

"…Yeahhhhh…my clan's sooooo awesome, we've eeeeeeeasily cleared, like, sixty missions or more!"

"Really?" one of the pointy-eared archers said in a cynical tone. "Delia," she said, addressing the white mage, "why don't you tell him how many missions our Clan Usagi has cleared?"

"Of course, Richane." The young mage spoke in a know-it-all tone. "Clan Usagi has cleared one hundred and two missions to date. Am I right, Julianne?" The second archer spoke, saying:

"Exactly right, Delia."

"Oh, yeah? Well…" Still thoroughly inebriated, Hodges stammered for a moment before coning up with the real subtle statement: "Well…You're all really hot!" Before the three Vieras could get a chance to tear Hodges apart, Marche stepped in.

"Come on, Hodges. Time to come back to the rest of your clan…"

"Heeeyyyy…getcher hands offa me…!"

"Shut up, Hodges." Brish said.

"You three," Marche said, indicating the three bandits, "take him and keep him under control this time."

"Understood." Sabatini, Deisel, and their 'illustrious leader' Heath dragged Hodges, who was laughing insanely, back to camp.

Still later…

"It must be almost midnight, kupo." Montblanc said, exhausted. "We should all get some rest."

"Yeah." Jeanne replied, nailing Hodges down with twice as many arrows as before. The drunken ninja was singing the Yu Yu Hakusho theme song rather loudly in a slurred voice. Lorek smirked evilly, pulling out his gun.

"Silentsh-"

You're not going to use Silentshot on him!" Marche cried.

"Why not? What else is going to shut him up?"

"…"

"Exactly." Brish said. "Besides, we can just heal his injury and…_conveniently overlook_…the status condition until he's sober."

"Well…fair enough."

"Silentshot!"

"Owwie-!" Hodges whined before falling silent. His mouth was moving, but fortunately, no sound was coming out. There was a small flash and 'JP +1' appeared in green over Lorek's head before vanishing.

"What was…" Marche began to say.

"Oh, yeah, kupo." Montblanc realized. "There was a judge point bonus today for inflicting status ailments."

"Good to know the judges are keeping tabs on us." interjected a sarcastic Clementina. "Big Brother is watching, right?"

A few hours later…

Everyone was sleeping…well, most everyone…

"WOOHOO! I can talk again!"

"What in the name of…!" Yes, Hodges' status condition wore off.

"That's IT!" a very ticked off Jeanne yelled. "I'm summoning Exodus, and you can just bring him back to life tomorrow!"

"ACK! No, wait!" Diesel and Sabatini held the incredibly angry sniper back as Marche walked over to the insane ninja.

"Hodges…"

"Yep?"

"If you don't shut up, I'm going to let Jeanne deal with you." From his position still pinned to the ground, the dark haired ninja glanced over at the less than happy Viera. "So, are you going to be quiet?"

"Uh-huh!"

"Promise?"

"Uh-huh!"

"Good. Now shut up and go to sleep!"

The next morning…

"…ow…what a headache…Why am I pinned to the ground! And…Lorek, did you shoot me in the leg!"

"He's awake." Clementina said calmly.

"Yep." Lorek responded in the same tone.

"You gonna get him off the ground?"

"Nope."

"Didn't think so."

"Hey…WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT!"

"He just realized he has no recollection of anything, huh?" Marche said, unfazed.

"Apparently." Jeanne said, walking over.

"So, what have we learned from this?" In unison, the entire party answered Heath's question with:

"Never give a ninja alcohol."

/owari/


End file.
